That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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