Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
