dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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