First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The adults are the big ones right?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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