genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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