i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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