I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
