We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
