i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
