I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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