I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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