non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
