he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My ATM looks so different sober.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
