He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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