dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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