New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
