the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
