There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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