I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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