my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
