I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
