Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
