My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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