My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
