Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
