She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
