she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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