no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
