so that wasnt chicken after all
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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