I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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