yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
