i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch