I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick