I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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