yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
