I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
