Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You smell like stripper and shame
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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