I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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