my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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