there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
