if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
