Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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