I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
