Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
