every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
