so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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