The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
