im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
