Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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