I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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