i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
