hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
