yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
