Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
