i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
