If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
