Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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