She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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