Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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