He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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