I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
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I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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