I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
