Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
